Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)

In my childhood, this verse was used to instruct us to avoid impure thoughts, dangerous beliefs, and worldly temptations. Allow those things into your heart, we were told, and we opened the gates to sinful actions. There’s something to that, I suppose, but with quite a few more years and slightly more wisdom on my side, I now think such teachings didn’t do the proverb justice.

The author could have written, “What is in your heart does not matter, it is your actions that count.” But they did not. They could have said, “It does not matter if your heart is wounded or poisoned, because your feelings should not control your actions.” But they did not. Instead, in a mere 13 words, Proverbs 4:23 legitimizes our very human need to protect our bodies, souls, and minds from those people, beliefs, and things that would cause us harm.

For survivors, this might mean breaking community with the person(s) who abused you, those who failed to stop the abuse, those who disbelieved you when you disclosed, or those whose action or inaction made them complicit in your trauma.

This can be an extraordinarily difficult and painful thing, particularly if it involves a family member or someone close to you. You might worry that cutting that person out will cause drama or scandal, or cause others to judge you rather than your abuser—and that is a reasonable fear. Just know that the Divine will bless your decision to distance, forgive, or embrace people as you need to.

If you are struggling to decide who to be in community with and how, please know there is no rush to settle on a decision. Perhaps reflecting on the words of this proverb can help: What does it mean to keep your heart safe? What strengthens and what poisons it? What people, practices, and ideas might you need to let go of? What do you need to invite in and hold close? Time spent figuring out what your own heart needs is never wasted. What you cultivate deep in your soul is shaping the person you are becoming.